PORT-HARCOURT HASH HOUSE HARRIERS
WHERE THE BUSH ECHOES THE CALL
OF A NEW BIRD.
11/03/2001
Why are so few PH4 Hashers going to this excellent Phantom Hash?
There
is no spirit of competition in the Hash, this is why we regularly down-down the
FRB’s (and the FWBs). There are therefore no reasons why we cannot advertise
for other Hashes in these lines. Besides, I have little material to use for the
Trash, time is running short, and as usual, the more I wait before writing
these lines, the more my memory fails.
I
was part of run 18 of the Phantom
Hash and I enjoyed it thoroughly. Why?
-
Phantom
is a small Hash (15 to 20 Hashers), most of them being regular Hashers.
With a small throng like that, you
know everyone, and the social side is very relaxed. I saw Clog and Frog,
Jamrag, Stumpy Bill (of the Lagos Hash), Kanuk, Puff TMD, Bogoff, and others.
Another advantage is that there is also no need for the HM to scream at the top
of his voice to get heard, unlike PH4 I am telling you.
-
It
is a traditional Hash, runners only, Hash shirts only, with a circle and
sitting on ice. You are supposed to get some singing also. Good for Hashers
like Swollen Organ (we used to have someone with a handle of this sort). Quite
different from the PH4 I said.
-
It
is a quick story: you meet just before 4.30 p.m. on Sunday, go to the site, run
almost immediately, form the circle as soon as the last runners come, and by
6.30 p.m. everybody is on his way home. This is ideal when your family does not
want to Hash: PH4 is taking a half-day, not the Phantom.
The
run took us on Eleme road, in a
nice and bushy area. We ran about 1h in the Bush, with lots of small tracks in
all directions, a bit of wet, and a good deal of checks and check backs. Kanuk
was haring, and Bogoff sweeping the back where I was very noticeable! The
circle is a nice formula, easier to handle than our seated occasions. Puff got
a good deal of sitting on the ice for leaving the circle without authority, and
is very very careless with Aussie down-downs. The singing was scarce as an
amnesic HM admits he regularly forgets about this bit (ts, ts).
I
have one reserve only: they are drinking their down-down with the left hand,
claiming the right one is the caca hand! No education: the right hand is used
to shake hands, it is not supposed to be used for less hygienic occupations;
try to shake someone hand with the left hand, and you will see if he is happy?
In fact, they are right, it is a standard practice in many Hashes to drink with
the left hand.
Just
a small remark about Puff the Magic Dragon, who is a great Hasher, always here,
(too) expert about the rules, a good runner (able to be an FRB when he wants),
with quite a sense of humor. It seems these are exactly the reasons why he is
persecuted like that in the two Hashes.
This
is not the Trash for Phantom run 18, they do not seem to have a lengthy scribe
like me there, but just some advertisement for a good alternative/complement to
PH4.
Next
run is on April fools day, get ready for a special edition.
Note:
wearing a Phantom Hash shirt on PH4 is still considered an offense.
You said it was a Saint Patrick run?
An early date for a Saint Patrick Hash, the run was blessed with the first touch of rainy season. As a storm started by 2p.m., the throng thinned considerably (a storm has the opposite effect of sponsoring on the size of the crowd). I must say it becomes a bit difficult to plan for the food when the number of Hashers varies between 200 (on run 373) and 70 (on run 375).
If the Valentine Hash had been noticeable for its lack of pinky lustre, the Saint Patrick run will not be remembered for its greenery (virtually nobody wearing green, only the bush, an Irishman and his Lady, the one with an Irish accent, were complying). Shagalot, Stumpy Bill, Jamrag (socks only) and a few others were also complying.
Bogoff has now dropped the reverse gear beep he took over from Bernie Woobster, and got a more powerful one. Beware, he is planning to get a gadget from Asia: the car barks when you reverse!
Spiderwoman was so happy to be named in the Trash that she started all kinds of silly displays. Go on girl, you’ll be noticed more often. Manicure Man might get jealous, so he will be mentioned also for his horrific make up (I almost fainted when I saw him), which fortunately was not waterproof: after a while playing in the rain, he became a little boy again and I was relieved.
Hares were called to notice: Bogoff, Jamrag, Kanuk, Pubic, Jutta and at the last moment Homo Erectus (who proposed to sweep the Wimps). Convoy to be formed after the toll gate (I thought St Patrick was an Irish day, not a Scottish one).
The rain soon stopped when we left PH, the trail was on the right, pass the Imo River, just after the railway bridge (how did Shagalot American friend call it? Overhead bridge across the railway line?). I was following the said Shagalot who was mysteriously driving at a slow 50 mph: was he trying to place a subliminal message with this snail pace? See the answer somewhere below. The Front Driving Bastards were nowhere to be seen, but after 60 runs in the vicinity, you cannot lose Shagalot on a PH4. Spacious parking lot at the pipeline.
A Nidip day:
The
on-on was given straight on the pipeline, Wimps following immediately. Jean de
Turd is a Dog Master. He has trained his canine friend to mark the run, but the
poor animal has no paper to spread, so it quickly became “on shit”. Checkback.
Paper on the right in a small track. After a few turns right and left, we got
to a clearing in the bush, and down the field, in front of the only tree, is
where Knee Deep chose to strike into action. I must say the guy has balls to
slash this way: he just stood by the tree, not more than 20cm from the track,
brought his large appendice out of his shorts, quietly looking over his shoulder
and cracking jokes on passing runners, and emitted such a large flow of urine
that he was quickly knee deep into it. The reaction was immediate and Nidip was
spread in all directions for the rest of the day.
Nidip we went into a
checkback, ran along the swamp back to the pipeline. Nidip the pipeline was
full of spilt oil, not a pretty sight. Nidip there was a check, call coming
from the opposite side of the pipeline. Nidip it was a checkback, paper found
in the swamp knee deep, niash deep for Rub er Dub checkback. Nidip the
paper was found, long checkback on
the right, the pack could regroup, left leading to check in a palm plantation.
Nidip paper left, checkback paper right. Nidip the trail became more interesting,
slaloming along another swamp, crossing it in the dry, going back in the
opposite direction. Nidip the Hares tried our trail intelligence by pulling us
into a nipple deep river. Nidip Clog & Frog, Stephan also had a good slash;
paper found left, long straight to another pipeline, across the swamp on the
pipeline, front running bastards far ahead (Rhino, Puff TMD, Clog&Frog,
others?). Nidip check, paper on the right, across the wet and oily swamp,
check. Nidip a long serie of trails right, left, checks and checkbacks, which I
can’t remember due to exhaustion. Nidip another palm plantation, across a
village, back on the road, paper right on the pipe, checkback. Nidip burnt
bush, traps, crops, back to the road, over the ditch (someone said mind the
dick?), meeting Rub er Dub who was shortcutting. Nidip a last effort, Aerial11
going obviously for a slash, and we were back to the chariots.
Nidip, it was not such a
good idea to let Homo Erectus sweep the Wimps. He was able to lose a few of
them (this is all they deserve, reminded me a seasoned Hasher) and it took
sometime to bring everybody together. The Wimps had had their share of wet,
which is only justice as they are almost always escaping it. Nidip it was
Cherry Brandy’s birthday and she was celebrating it in style, with unlimited
quantities of free pilsener.
Nidip we went back to SRA,
to get a last glance at the Ekang straight before the semi Marathon. After his
experience of wall washing after the last run he hosted, Bogoff became wise and
rather took us to the garden. Nidip there is a spell on runs hosted by Bogoff
and Jutta, as Shagalot gets so pissed that he is not taking notes anymore.
Ni-ni-ni-ni-dip we had our
down downs in the bog that Bogoff had specially concocted for us. HM was
standing on a pile of four crates of beer, the first three having sank in the
swamp (don’t worry my son, one day all this will be yours; not to let him, or
anybody else come in the room, etc…).
Ni-ni-ni-ni-dip we honored our Hares & our hosts in
the appropriate manner.
Ni-ni-ni-ni-dip Cherry
Brandy got a birthday wash (was Shagalot referring to her hash score or was he
most untactfully indicating her age when he introduced her as a hasher in her
fifties? She does not look more than thirty).
Ni-ni-ni-ni-dip a lot of
beer was spilt on virgins, fashion, Saint Patrick code
Ni-ni-ni-ni-dip handles were
attributed as follows:
Trabant for Jens who hails
from ex-Eastern Germany, smokes a lot, like the well known 2 stroke engine car.
Santa Maria for Florence
Pascal (didn’t Columbus sail IN
her to America?)
I could not get a grip on
Jutta’s handle, I’ll try to come back on it.
We
need more order at the down down, and we will find a lasting solution for that
if the mess continues.
Where the true reason why Shagalot
cites Esope is discovered:
I was a bit
stunned by Morticia’s report (in run 373’s Trash) of a serious upsurge of
intellectual display by our respected Hash Master. Besides being able to cite
nominatively (and describe the taste) of about 1500 different beers, Shagalot
is a man versed into the ancient knowledge of Hash. But for him to start citing
Esope fables, and old proverbs, he must have had some serious reasons. I
discovered them at the semi Marathon. Also I was quite curious about his recent
change in driving style.
Another
skilled introduction to digress from Hash and extend a weak report of Hashing
prowess to almost normal proportions you might rightly think.
The semi Marathon took place
on March 18th at the SRA. A good number of Hashers were there, most
of the regular ones in any case, but we could have seen more. A number of good
potential recruits for the Hash were present, and especially a contingent of
Schlumberger runners. On display were also a number of exotic cycle riders
(Morticia, White Fangs and Mrs Lunchbox included) and a few roller skaters.
Runs in teams of 4, 2 or 1.
A team of 4 was representing the local beauties, On&on, Stroller and
Nipples (they had a very slow male partner it would appear, it seems they
prefer this style to early ejaculation), another the Phantom Hash (Jamrag,
Kanuk, Puff TMD, I can’t remember who was the last one) and two others the
froggies (Knee Deep and three others for Elf, Jean de Turd, Roger-Roger,
Trabant and myself). Prominent among the long distance runners were Shagalot,
Stumpy Bill, Kerb Crawler and Pubic.
I did really miss the start
as Roger Roger was supposed to wake me up (I am not good at waking up at 5.30
a.m. on Sundays). In fact, Roger Roger neither as he woke me up by 6.29 a.m..
We rushed to the site, only to see Trabant taking relay from Jean de Turd. I was
next. I also missed the breakfast as I was travelling that day. All I can
remember is the run.
I knew Rhino IATS was here,
when I felt the earth vibrate (my fist thought was Oh No, not “the big one”
today!). It was only our Rhino friend charging his sprint to finish the run.
Powerful but heavy he is.
After a slow and careful
start, I was quickly overtaken by Hands On. Nothing fancy I thought, he is a
regular runner, and even if he runs like a rugbyman (like in the seventies,
when they were big and slow, he is no Lomu if it is what you think), he is
quite efficient. A short while later, I heard a fast runner coming: it was
Frying Dutchman, and there, one has a good excuse for being overtaken with a
lot of speed difference. No problem for me. When, near the golf club house, I
was overtaken by On&On, I started to worry: the Lady is a Wimp for Christ
sake! I made all possible efforts, but I had to admit it: I could not follow.
The next person to overtake me was Lunchbox. By that time I was ready for anything.
Lunchbox quickly stopped: had he just tried to impress me?. No, he just kept on
overtaking me and stopping for a good while, until I slowed down.
Along the golf course, one tall female, Dutch
looking, with an admirable (but slightly jellylike) rear part overtook me. A
powerful runner, I can tell you, the husband had better be in shape. From
there, it was quieter for a while, and it was not before the infamous Ekang
straight that another moustached non-Hasher RB ridiculed me. Exhausted I
stopped, despite the loud vocal support of a fast riding White Fangs. This is
when Pubic, who was running a full half Marathon (no, I do not try to be
sarcastic), took over. With natural authority and a good deal of charisma, he
decided I should run instead at his own speed, which I did and it suited me
quite well. Thanks for the support, Pubic.
Shagalot
did it his own way: “qui veut voyager loin menage sa monture”, “patience et
longueur de temps font mieux que force ni que rage”. Having settled
for a senatorial pace from the start, our venerable HM was able to complete the
whole 21km, and made it to the finish last but not least. The loop is complete.
The kiddie’s race was a great event, the new breed
is no doubt competitive.
All Hashers who do not participate in the half marathon
are Wimps, so see you in 6 months time.
On&on, Stroller and Nipples are banned on the
Wimp route for life: they run like bucks, why on earth should they Wimp!
Lets finish with some news from
Lagos:
Stumpy Bill is leading an exchange program between
PH4, Phantom and LH3 Hashes. Being in Lagos on a Monday, I decided I would join
(and I will do it more regularly from now on, on Mondays or Thursdays depending
on my trips).
PH4 is a family Hash, not LH3. This could make the
whole of all my explanations, but I feel that as I grabbed a bit of attention
there, I might develop a page on the matter if I am lucky. I am not a full
stranger to LH3, where I used to run in the early nineties, but is my memory
not what it used to be or do I idealize excessively as “old age” is catching
me?. I should have remembered the opening sentence of the “National Hash”
leaflet two years ago: “if you want to see Africa, go to Kenya, the only fluffy
animal we go for in Lagos is pussy”. The general light tone is given, I just
need to add a bit of color to finish the portrait.
Meeting at Pat’s place in VI, 6 p.m., I was able to
spot a few faces besides Vicky and Stumpy Bill: Hash Horn Fish, Aussie Bob,
Balls, Sugar Daddy and Sir Jasper (they also have one there). A Saint Patrick
run it was and each of us was wearing a shamrock clearly labeled “fuck me, I’m
Irish”, a definite touch of class. 50 to 70 runners, lots of Babes and only two
froggies besides me (no, I won’t write on top of me).
The runs there are mainly street runs, we should try
one day, marked faintly with delible chalk, at long and irregular intervals.
Arrows, checks and checkbacks with dates (they always run in the same areas, so
you must really take the date into consideration). Pardon me, but I know why I
prefer bush runs: to slalom between the cars in a cloud of dust and breathing
the fumes of a million engines, one can dream about a quiet and silent forest.
No wonder they do not know what a crop abuse is, and that fag abuse is a joke
there. Two beer stops later, and after I could witness the fact that PH4 has no
exclusivity for dodging and shortcutting, We regrouped for the circle. If you
have thin blood and sensible ears, the circle is not for you. I must admit I
enjoyed every bit of it, got my quota of down down, and tried to follow the
songs on Sugar Daddy’s hash songs booklet. The Phantom Hash has quite a margin
of progression left in the area of Hash taste to start echoing what I
re-witnessed there, and I urge them to progress quickly. Why not go for Stumpy
Bill exchange program: there is no age for learning? A last thing: getting a
handle there is tough job as a “Rasta Pussy” got to learn, everybody pouring a
glass on her, and they finished her with the iced water of the beer barrels!
Next time, they said, they will remove the broken glass before.
So if you’re in Lagos on a Monday or a Thursday
(men’s only), try the Hash there. You can also visit their website at
www.lagosh3.com